Apr 25, 2015

I Just Feel Like Writing Down What's in My Head Right Now

Well.. I don't know how should I start this post. I have this feeling of nothing. Life has been really fast and weird. I have been through in mix of emotions and feelings that makes me think. A lot. I've been so far away from this blog. I even feel ashamed to open it, because the blog doesn't feel like me. I've been away by not posting anything in this blog. If you realise, I only post pictures to pictures lately, no personal thoughts nor daily stories, right? It's because I can't seem to put any of my thoughts into a well written blog post. My post page in my blogger dashboard is full of blog post drafts. My iPhone's notes app is full of drafts that seem would have no ending. Whenever I start a post, it ends up to nothing. It ends there as a draft. Well..... I don't know. Let me just put my head in this post in some paragraphs.


I currently don't know where I'm going. I don't seem to have an idea of something that I want to achieve in the next one or two years. In my world, that's bad. I feel like continuing my study and chasing for a bachelor degree (I only have diploma degree). I don't have an exact reason why do I want a bachelor degree, I just want it. The sooner the better. Should I have a strong reason why I want to continue my study? Hmm.. Maybe not. But continuing my study will definitely need an extra time, need a space in my head, need my full attention. If I continue my study and balance it with my professional work life, I should have less illustration projects. I should have less schedules on weekends. And I'm not ready for that.

I also want to continue my Japanese class. My last class was 2 years ago and now I can only read a few of katakana and hiragana letters. Not only Japanese, I also want to speak Spanish. I can't have both at one time for sure. My goal is to be able to speak other language than my mother language and english fluently. That's a promise I made to myself. I don't know which one will I take, let's just see what life brings me in the next six months.

It's the end of April already, can you believe it? I'm in the phase where I'm sad about the fact that next month is already May and time can't seem to get slower for just a second. Everything is so fast that feels like you look away for a second and everything changes. You changed, I changed, things changed. I think life is a never ending adaptation process, no?

I miss this blog, you have no idea how much I miss writing and making layouts out of my pictures of my daily life. It pisses me off that until now, I haven't start writing "Highlights of 2014". It embarrasses me that 2014 has been the greatest year in my life and I haven't put it in a post until the 4th month of 2015. It seems like a simple thing to you, but it's not for me. My blog is a place where I write my history, my progress, my life. This blog is a channel for me to see who I was and to remind me who I am today. Reading my old blog posts is one of the most calming thing I could ever do. It's like a time machine. It takes me back to the times that I have forgotten. Things that I forgot I've ever did years ago. Things that makes me realised that I've had changed. I've changed the way I think. I've changed the way I see things. I've changed the way I see the world. I've changed myself into a person who finally can see that everything happens for a reason. Life is just a group of dots that connects each other when the time comes. Things are connected each other because they are meant to be connected. I've changed my self from someone who questioned about everything and regretted things into someone who live her life by following what God has bring her in this life. I fight for my dreams, I struggle for what I believe, but I follow the path that God has created for me. I am thankful for who I am today. I am not perfect, I will not be perfect and I don't wanna be perfect. 

4 comments:

  1. Jadi sedih juga dind baca post kamu. Aku banyak take things for granted, banyak mager padahal I can do more with my time :')

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    1. Ahaha Nesyaaa jangan sedih dong, let's create morrrrre! :)

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  2. I appreciate your thoughts and feels. as a reader, I also miss all bloggers who used to post their stories but now they seem busy with their own projects.
    even just a line, even just a very simple doodle, it would be really nice to see your update. :)

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    1. Thank you sooo much, I feel so much better now :)

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